Our paradigm of trust, historically, has been that it’s something you need to spend a lifetime earning from others.  To be crass:

• You are put in a situation of being tested
• You perform some action in response
• Someone else judges whether your action was “trustworthy” or not
• If it was, then they now award you with this thing called “trust”

That’s fine, certainly, but you might notice something:  You’ve given up most of your control.  And if, for whatever reason, another doesn’t grace you with this intangible “trust,” then there’s not much you can do except to try to pass the next test.

Instead, let’s think about the aspects of trust which are more about who you are than what you do.  The core elements are:

• Integrity
• Competence
• Compassion

To the degree that you have all three of these, then you’ve created the elements which will not only encourage others to trust you, but – more importantly – which will put you into a state of trust with those around you.

Trust isn’t a one-sided judgment.  It’s a two-sided relationship.  And it’s really just a foundation upon which the activities of the relationship can take place.

Let me describe these three elements, then:

Integrity: Being aware of, driven by, and consistent with a set of values, and displaying that consistency in different situations.

Competence: Being good at what you do – having skills, knowledge, and abilities which are relevant and valued.

Compassion: Being able to connect with others – not only empathy, but also to identify with their values even when they’re different than your own.

When you have these three qualities, you’ll be able to operate from a solid foundation of trusting others, to build the healthy trusting relationships we all strive for.

Just a final word:  Don’t assume that trust means only trusting blindly.  When I trust another, it means I have a basis upon which to predict their behavior – but that might still not be what I would choose.  So healthy trust also depends on communication and validating.  Trust but verify.

An important resource

I’ve been reading a great book recently, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, by William Bridges.  I found it quite useful for people who are struggling with a sense of travelling through life stages, and the transitions that are required for each.  It’ll help you to understand the bigger picture of your life, and quite possibly help your kids, partner, and parents.

It’s an easy read, and extraordinarily powerful.

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