I happened to run into a friend in the cafeteria today. I had worked with him some years ago, and both he and I have moved into much different jobs. I was startled when he made reference to a question I had asked him way back then. Although I have absolutely no memory of the context or the conversation, this is something which has stuck with him for years and continues to be a point which led him to a personal epiphany.
Wow.
But I’ve observed the same thing in many contexts. Namely, that the things you remember about someone can be strikingly different to what was going on in their head at the time. I remember that my sixth grade teacher told many interesting stories about his time serving in the Navy. Does he remember that? I have no idea. Does he think that had any impact on his students? Probably not. But it was a big deal to many in his class.
This kind of phenomenon happens a lot in coaching. That’s one of the reasons why powerful questions are so important. I wouldn’t have thought that powerful questions were any big deal, much less an intentional and central coaching technique, but they are. It’s because, when you respond to a question with a key learning point (an “aha!” moment) and start building upon that, it becomes a powerful decision point in your life.
These coaching questions can be deceptively simple: Why is that? Do you know that for certain? What if the opposite were true? Is that relevant?
Questions are much more powerful than statements because they kick your brain into gear. Good questions require you to make a choice, to analyze, to think.
I’ve come to peace with the fact that I’ll probably never know what impact I’ve had on those in my life, because I’m almost certain that the people who’ve had the most impact on my life have absolutely no idea. It seems to be just a phenomenon of being human. But it sure makes me more thoughtful about the questions I ask others.
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Hi Carl,
a great post, I couldn’t agree more.
I remember some things I’ve learned from previous bosses of mine (either by being told directly or thru coaching or shadowing) that I’m pretty sure they don’t recall telling me, or don’t attach much importance to.
I’ve also had a few cases of employees I’ve been a manager of (or a manager of their manager) who have mentioned things I said to them that had a strong influence on their thinking, that at the time were a kind of “off hand” remark of mine….or at least one that I didn’t intend to be “trancendental”.
It’s a weird, but kind of gratifying, experience when years later they mention such a remark or conversation to you. You realize they were *really* listening, valued your remarks (more than you yourself did) and that you had an influence.
Good stuff!
Andrew
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Carl,
this is very true.
i have often encountered this myself.
i liked the other articles too.
thanks for this useful blog on things that will benefit so many people.
jeffrin.